Riley and Davis at Silver Dollar City

Riley and Davis at Silver Dollar City

Thursday, June 27, 2013

How I see death: A rambling story

I feel like a great many people expect me to walk around with tears streaming down my face, unable to face life, unable to cope, but that is simply not how I see death.  I am not sad.  For being the younger sister, I felt an extreme protectiveness towards Alicia.  I (almost) always gave into her way, because I could not stand to see her upset.  When we were young Alicia was unbelievably shy and she would often stand behind me and whisper in my ear her comment or question and I would speak for her.  That was my job, I felt.  As we grew up I often gave Alicia advice, which she promptly ignored.  And I never once said “I told you so”, even when I really wanted to.  I would deliver her Gatorade and Cheez-It’s when she didn’t feel well.  I rubbed her shoulders and patted her back when she was sad.  I mother-henned her at closing time, more than a few times.  And those years we lived together we watched out for each other constantly.  I felt responsible for her in a way I can’t explain.  So when she was diagnosed with cancer, my instinct and need to care for her was in overdrive.  I spent nights awake, it weighed on my heart and mind constantly.  Even in the short period of time when she thought she was going to be okay, when she thought she was going to defeat cancer, I was still battling with the feeling that something was still wrong.  Watching her suffer, watching her struggle, watching her lose the light that made her who she was.  Watching her lose her laughter, her voice, her ability to eat, drink and celebrate.  That was all far worse than seeing her die.  Her death put her in the care of all those in Heaven; a far better place than the hands of those of us on Earth.  I know she is with me.  I may not be able to glance across the room and share an inside joke or roll my eyes at her, but she is here.  God has literally taken my worries away and lifted a great weight from my shoulders.  I believe that my 31 years with Alicia were a gift.  Just as I see my children as a gift, and my husband, and my parents, and family and friends.  We are only meant to live on Earth for a short time; but that is not the end of our time together.  I am spending my days seizing my life, sucking the joy from each moment, filling myself with love and happiness in a way that I never have before.  That is Alicia’s final gift to me (and she always was an amazing gift giver).  I will not feel sorry for myself for losing my sister, but instead will remain thankful that I had her at all.  What are you doing with your gifts? 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


I love pop ice.  I know that I love pop ice, so I almost never buy them, because I don't share well and it would make me really mad if the kids asked for them.  Knowing this, I have 2 boxes in the freezer.  And it may just be that sharing them is better than going without myself.  And that brings me to a question, why haven't they made those calorie free yet?

What do your kids eat for breakfast?  My kids are super weird at breakfast time.  Davis would rather have a bologna sandwich than most anything else.  Riley likes applesauce.  Both of them abhor eggs.  And if we happen to be going out to eat for the most important meal of the day, they always choose Steak and Shake because they can get a cheeseburger.  They will eat cereal, but not with milk. And they usually prefer it in the afternoon. 

Both kids have rapidly approaching birthdays.  I have no gifts for either of them yet.  And really no good ideas either.  Davis asked for an ax, so he is no help.  And Riley asked to go on an airplane, so she is no help.  Hopefully some cheaply made plastic toy catches their attention soon (that was sarcasm...)

We are 25 days from embarking on our first family roadtrip.  I feel ill prepared despite the lengthy spreadsheet to organize our packing and the fact that the first few bags already have a few items in them.  I hope the Great Smoky Mountains are in fact peaceful, because the 10 hour drive to get there is sure to have my nerves on edge. 

I am worried about Riley.  Everyday when I am at work I leave a to-do list for her.  And she gets up every morning and does all of the things on it immediately.  Each day I try to make the list longer and longer, and everyday she has all the tasks crossed off before noon.  Today one of her chores was to write a letter and another was to read three books (yep done before noon, along with all of the cleaning).  Maybe tomorrow I should make the task "memorize multiplication tables".  I don't get why she doesn't procrastinate.  Seriously. 

I have great optimism for our tomato plants this year, but I don't understand why the dang tomatoes won't just go ahead and ripen!  The plants have a wonderfully healthy appearance, and a ton of blooms and green tomatoes.  But not even the tiniest pinch of pink or red.  Not even the Early Girl.  Sigh.